Grief & Difficult Emotions

You may read the title and think, “Aren’t all emotions difficult when you are grieving?” However, some emotions are more difficult than others. Sometimes those emotions even take you by surprise. If you’re parenting a grieving child, you may also be surprised by some of the emotions that arise.

This guide from Kate’s Club will help parents and caregivers cope with your own difficult emotions while supporting your child doing the same. Keep reading to learn more from an Georgia-based bereavement organization.

Feeling guilty about your person who died

Guilt seems to be one of the most common emotions that surfaces after a death, and it can manifest in many different ways.

Common ways for guilt to manifest when you’re grieving

First of all, you may feel guilty about the death itself. Could you have done more to keep the person from dying? However, when you berate yourself with these could have and should haves, you’re judging yourself with what you know now, not what you knew at the time.

Children and teens do this too. Children may think their own thoughts or actions caused the death. They may engage in magical thinking, which may sound like: “I was mad at my brother, so he died.”

Guilt may also come from regrets from your relationship with the deceased. You may wish you’d spent more time with them, been more patient, or reconciled a rocky relationship.

Some children, and teens especially, express feelings of guilt for not spending enough time with the person if they were busy with other activities.

Is it normal to feel guilty while grieving?

The good news is that it’s completely normal to experience guilt while grieving. Here are some tips to cope:

• Acknowledge your feelings. Facing our difficult feelings is the first step in coping with them.
• Reassure children and teens. They are not responsible for death.
• Write a letter. Address your deceased person and express your feelings of regret and/or say the things you would have liked to tell them. You can also help children and teens write letters.
• Think about what the person would say to you. If you expressed your feelings to the person, what would they say? Most likely, they would assure you that it wasn’t your fault.
• Question your assumptions when they arise. “Yes, I wish my mother would have gone to the doctor sooner, but she made her own decisions.”
• Lastly, talk and share with others. You feel less alone when you realize others are coping with the same feelings. They may also challenge the feelings of guilt. Find a grief support group, or even a bereavement support program like Kate’s Club, where you can speak openly about your emotions.

Feeling jealous after your person dies

Who knew that jealousy would rear its ugly head when we’re grieving? No matter your age, you can feel jealousy after you experience the death of someone significant in our lives. It doesn’t mean you begrudge those who trigger your jealousy. You just want your person back.

Examples of jealousy grievers experience

Children who have lost a parent express feelings of jealousy when they see their friends with their own parents. They may also feel their peers don’t appreciate their living parents enough.

If you’ve experienced the death of a partner, you may find these feelings come up when you are surrounded by couples at different events.

Is it normal to feel jealous while grieving?

Once again, it's normal to experience these feelings of jealousy. Here are some tips on coping with those emotions:

• Acknowledge your feelings of jealousy. Don’t try to suppress them.
• Openly talk to children about how they are feeling. “It’s okay to feel jealous when you see Meg with her mom. I sometimes feel jealous too.” Validate feelings, but talk about how to behave when having those feelings. “You may be jealous of Meg having her mom, but don’t treat her badly.”
• Don’t judge yourself harshly for having these feelings. You have every right to feel that it wasn’t fair to lose your person.
• Ask yourself what you would say to a friend who is having those feelings. You would probably tell them that it was normal and okay to feel jealous.
• Share with other grieving folks. It can make you feel better to get feelings off your chest, and you will see that you are not the only one.
• Journal your feelings. You can also help your kids express their feelings via journaling too.

Feeling angry when someone in your life dies

Anger is another common, but difficult emotion you may experience when someone important to you dies. You may feel angry at yourself, the person who died, God or the universe, or others such as doctors or a perpetrator in the case of a homicide.

How does anger manifest when grieving?

Sometimes anger goes hand-in-hand with other emotions like guilt and jealousy. You may even feel irrational when you’re angry, even though you know the death wasn’t your person’s fault. Anger in the case of deaths like suicide or overdose may also cause anger that feels justified.

At times, anger may be masking other feelings underneath. Children and teens might feel more comfortable feeling angry than feeling the deep sadness of loss. Anger can make us feel more powerful than sadness, frustration or fear, so kids might choose anger.

Is it normal to feel angry while grieving?

Of course it’s normal to feel angry while grieving. Many people do. These are some tips to help you cope with anger after someone in your life dies:

• Not to be a broken record, but acknowledge your anger. Is there something behind the anger too?
• Allow children and teens to express their anger and validate those feelings. You may see this grief reaction manifest more than others in children and teens through outbursts or arguments.
• Find safe and healthy ways to express your anger. You may try playing loud music and shouting at the top of your lungs, or seeking release through exercise. Work on this with children too. Art or play therapy can help children express these emotions.
• Write down your feelings. This can also help you figure out if something is behind your anger.
• Tell others and apologize if you have a short temper right now. Most people will understand.
• Again, find a group and/or therapist to work through the feeling of anger.

Remember to build your community. There are organizations like Kate’s Club all over the U.S. and world, and many local hospices and faith groups offer grief support.

Contact Kate’s Club for free grief support in Georgia

Kate’s Club empowers children and teens, their families, and young adults facing life after the death of a parent, sibling, caregiver, or someone important to them. The organization builds healing communities through recreational and therapeutic group programs, education, and advocacy. Since its founding in metro Atlanta in 2003, Kate’s Club has served thousands of individuals who are grieving, through both in-house and outreach services. Kate’s Club also offers free grief support services in Albany, GA; Athens, GA; Brunswick, GA; Cobb County, GA; and Newnan, GA.

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