NAGC’s alternate response to June 4, 2012, John Rosemond Column about Childhood Grief.
The death of a father is a lifelong loss for a child, but it does not have to “derail” his future. It is normal for a child to miss his father and for his feelings of grief to come and go with different levels of intensity, wondering how to grieve the loss of a parent for some time after the death. At the same time, it is frustrating when your child is hurting and, obviously, impacted emotionally and mentally, and you are unsure how to parent while grieving and supporting him through his pain. Here are a few suggestions about the best advice for an individual trying to overcome grief based on current practice among children’s grief support professionals and grief specialists.
Grief is a normal reaction for a child to the death of someone in his or her life. Grief is a reflection of our awareness that a significant change has happened. Someone who was an important part of our life is no longer here, whether the relationship with that person was caring and loving, or contentious and difficult. The death of someone in our life takes time to accept and even then, we continue to miss that person in our special way. Truthfully, we do not “get over” a person’s death; we learn to live with it. Grief is not a problem we are trying to fix; it is an experience we live with. Your child's change in moods, even a year out from their person's death, is a normal part of adapting to this significant change in their world.
Each child’s grief is as unique to him or her as their relationship with the deceased. Because of this, everyone grieves in their own way. Some people have a need to talk about that person and often retell the same story or explore the same questions, feelings, and thoughts over and over. It is great that your son will be open with you and share his feelings of grief over his father’s death. When talking with him, it is important to avoid seeing the conversation as a means to “lighten” his mood, but be present with him when you talk about someone he deeply loves and misses. Quite often for a grieving child, talking about the person who died and experiencing ‘moods’ is how he is adapting to life without that person and adjusting to memories.
Grieving children often feel alone and misunderstood. Limiting your son’s ability to experience grief authentically can send the message that they are “alone” in their grief. Children cannot be “talked” out of their grief, nor can their grief be “shut down” by avoiding conversations. Current research and practices in childhood bereavement teach us that when children have the opportunity to grieve openly and share their feelings honestly, they feel less alone and in turn far better than they would otherwise. Consider the possibility that your son does exactly what he needs to do when he experiences “moods” that are not typical for him. After all, he is standing face to face with a significant change in his life.
Children experience grief over the death of significant people at different times throughout their lives. Many times, the intense feelings of grief will last longer and come more often than we think they should. In time, as children have opportunities to express their grief and to tell their stories, share memories, and process what this death means, they may find the intense feelings coming less often. But, grief is a lifelong journey and children experience grief differently throughout their lives.
The National Alliance for Grieving Children P.O. Box 2373, Stuart, Florida 34995 • (866) 432 – 1542 Toll-Free • (772) 812 – 9129 www.ChildrenGrieve.org
When a child gets an accomplishment, they might revisit grief in a very intense way. This extends into adulthood when people have children or get married. Grief has no time limit. Allowing children to share openly about feelings helps them to work through trauma.
Grieving children often experience personal “growth.” There has been much written lately about the experience of “post-traumatic growth.” These findings have come from studies showing that people grieving develop “virtues” through struggling. Many grieving children are compassionate toward others, value relationships with friends and family on a new level, and experience appreciation for life. Personal “growth” does not diminish the sense of loss or grief felt, nor does it imply that the death of a person they knew was a “positive” experience. Personal growth, however, is often a by-product of intense grieving accompanied by a significant death in our life. Current research and practices teach that experiencing grief openly and having the understanding from and support of a parent or guardian gives people a “safe place” to make sense of death. It is important to be patient with people when they experience the ebbs and flows of grief. Continue to make yourself available as a good listener to those in need.
Grieving children feel less alone when they are with other children who have experienced a death. Help children to meet others going through a similar experience. When children meet others who have experienced death, they feel less alone. There are free grief support programs, camps, grief specialists, gatherings, and online grief counseling groups throughout the United States where children can interact. The National Alliance for Grieving Children has a directory of grief support programs across the United States. You can contact a local hospice program that provides support for grieving children and families.
Knowledge is Power. You do not have to be alone as the parent of a grieving child. Resources are available via the internet and as mentioned above in the form of grief support for your child. Find encouragement and answers to some of your questions at these websites:
www.dougy.org
www.achildingrief.com
www.childrengrieve.org
The above-listed websites contain the most recent information about supporting a grieving child. You can find books, articles, and information that will increase your understanding of what behavior is normal for a grieving child and how you can “be there” for your son at this important time in his life and into his future.
References Silverman, Phyllis R., Madelyn, Kelly (2009)
A Parent’s Guide to Raising Grieving Children. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
Worden, William J. (1996) Children, and Grief: When a Parent Dies. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Wolfelt, AD (1996) Healing the Bereaved Child. CO: Companion Press.
Schuurman, Donna (2003) Never the Same: Coming to Terms with the Death of a Parent. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press.
Emswiler, Mary Ann, Emswiler, James P. (2000) Guiding Your Child through Grief. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
Tedeschi, Richard, Calhoun, Lawrence G. (1999) Facilitating Post Traumatic Growth. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc.
Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth (1969) On Death and Dying. New York, NY: Scribner.
The National Alliance for Grieving Children P.O. Box 2373, Stuart, Florida 34995 • (866) 432 – 1542 Toll-Free • (772) 812 – 9129 www.ChildrenGrieve.org
Would you like to share your story? Please get in touch with Kate's Club! KC has free grief support with grief resources, grief counseling resources, grief training, and volunteer work in Atlanta and surrounding places in Georgia. Kate's Club is a growing nonprofit in Atlanta with grief specialists for kids and young adults going through bereavement. Our goal is to make a world where it is okay to grieve.